Between solitude and commitment

I was asked to comment on a quote by Sonia Abadi translated from Spanish by Chelsea Eng:  "The human species, and most especially the race that frequents the milonga, waffles between two equally terrifying fears: the fear of solitude and the fear of commitment".

My immediate reaction to this quote is that it reflects more the woman's experience (in the customary non-initiating follower mode)  in tango than the man's. The reason is that the woman is faced with the choice of saying "no" and wondering if and when she'll be asked again (fear of solitude) and saying "yes" and being stuck in a long tanda with a less than desirable partner (fear of commitment). As a man I have the "advantage" of the choice, so less "fear of the commitment" part, and no particular fear of "solitude" as I can easily move on to another follower with a pretty good chance of acceptance.

How the quote resonates with me, however, is more in the often stated concept that "tango is a metaphor for life". In life, it is in fact more often than not the man who is afraid of commitment... certainly because life's "tandas" can last a life-time... in fact they are "expected" to do so. Of course there are plenty of exceptions to these stereotypical modes, but society has traditionally put more pressure on women to avoid "solitude".

I found two more ways in which the life metaphor is even deeper. One is the fear of judgment and rejection. In life we are judged and included or excluded by people for a number of complex reasons, but we learn to navigate this complex social web in ways that usually shield us from blatant and direct rejection. Rules of politeness and a certain amount of self-deception contribute to maintaining our mental sanity. In tango, the "rejection" is out there and plain for all to see. You either sit there the whole night with nobody asking, or you ask and get turned down, or you scan the room for a cabeceo, and nobody looks your way. There is nothing in between. As in life, we need to be able to accept, figure out if there is anything we can do, and, in any case, move on with our ego intact.

A second deep metaphor is the connection. In fact I even hesitate to call it a metaphor, as the connection, seemingly an obvious metaphor for a relationship, often seems to become the start, and the barometer of the real relationship itself. I have sometimes felt the flows and ebbs of a relationship reflected in my connection with my partner, and just like in real relationships there is disagreement about feelings and their mutuality so there is sometimes disagreement about how "good" the connection was.

The connection as both reality and metaphor brings me back to the starting quote and the realization that "fear motivated waffle" goes beyond rejecting, or committing to, a tanda, but it may be reflected in the embrace and connection itself.  I instantly feel it when the follower is committed to a connection and when she isn't. What I don't know is why, and it hadn't occurred to me until now that  it might go beyond her wondering whether she can trust me or not as a dancer. She may be wondering whether she is ready to tap into deeper feelings and commit to accepting them and their impact on her soul, even if for just a tanda, or let herself be simply led through ochos, boleos and figures without any lasting mark.

Yes, for committed tanguero/as both these extremes bring their own brand of special "terror".