The followers I love to hate

I have been much too serious in my posts lately... so I thought I'd have some fun with the comic side of tango... the followers I love to hate...! Here they are:


The wiggler (a.k.a. the pole dancer)

She simply will not stop moving! I lead a simple back ocho, and I STOP for a second to start a new figure in some dramatic music moment... and she keeps on going like the energizer rabbit (remember that ad?). 2 more back ochos, one front ocho and twirls around me in a molinete... all while I am just standing there with half a smile on my face waiting for her to stop... so I can go on dancing. She finally seems to become aware of my presence, slows down and looks at me, expectant eyes,... oh, there you are .. the "leader"! Didn't you love what I just did? So, what's next?


The refrigerator

She simply will NOT move! I swear it feels like pushing a refrigerator with no wheels across the floor. My back thighs and calf start hurting for the pushing, and my left arm struggles to stay in its socket. Here comes some fast tempo I'd like to play with.. quick quick, slow, quick quick quick... I get slooooow, slooooow... and the musical phrase is over... Oh well, the dance ends and I look for a massage therapist.


The feather

I remember being surprised when I first heard that followers were being instructed to provide some "resistance". Having mainly experienced the "refrigerator" types, I felt like NO resistance should be the ideal... but nooo, tango is so full of surprises. No resistance is bad too! The feather is hard to dance with because you are never sure where she is. If you feel no weight at all you cannot know where her weight is, and even the tiniest error in timing a turn can send her flying off balance. Dancing with the feather is not tiring, but disconcerting and seldom connected. In the end I feel like I have danced with myself ... and I am NOT a good follower!


The purebred

When I first started dancing tango I had a creepy feeling of deja vu, related to my brief experience with horseback riding. I remember how odd it felt that even though you were taught what to do with your legs and arms to get the horse to turn right or left, each horse behaved in a slightly different way. One would turn as expected, another horse would completely ignore your "command", and another one would take off to the right like you had attached a rocket to its side! Not that I would want to compare followers with horses (!), but I could never get over the fact of how similar that dynamics of movement "reading" and reaction really felt...

One of my most interesting experiences in horseback riding was in fact with such a horse. I was in an amateur rodeo where we were assigned horses at random and had to perform some figures like number 8 (ah, ochos!) in the arena. That required a continuous turn to the right, followed by a continuous turn to the left, and so on. Well, MY horse felt my intention to the "right" .... and right he would go, taking off like a bat out of hell all the way to end of the arena, where he would finally slow down, read my "left" intention from my now begging and shaking knees and do another 100 yard dash to the other side of the arena. Needless to say my 8's did not look very good...

So, what does this really have to do with Tango? Well, I find that sometimes I encounter a follower that reminds me of that horse. Mind you, in this case she is the "advanced" one and I am the one who doesn't know what he's doing, but my experience is one of starting a movement that gets read and immediately "amplified" beyond my original intention and which now needs to be dealt with the kind of skill and elegance I sadly still lack. So I struggle along feeling again like I am riding that horse across the arena unable to make the nice number 8...

I don't know what the horse was thinking... but SHE is probably thinking that I need a few more years under my belt to be able to appreciate what she can really do... and she's right. Sigh...


The absentee follower

She is there, but you sense immediately that she's really with her boyfriend walking on a beach, dancing with the other guy across the dance floor, at the table eating the cake or drinking whatever is left of the wine. She is in all kinds of places ... except in your arms. You wish you hadn't asked her to dance, but she's going through the motions, so you do too... and suffer until the end of the tanda.


The beginner

It's harder to have fun with this, as we've all been there, so I'll start with ME... I still remember one of my first milongas when at some point, early in the dance, my follower looked at me with a patient smile and asked: "are you trying to lead back ochos?". Indeed I was ... obviously with very little success! And another one who just froze in front of me and said "I have no idea what you want me to do...". I bless the patience of these and other followers who kept dancing with me and helped me improve. If they are around I still dance with them (and they are much happier now).

But now... just like I baffled followers with an unrecognizable lead, I am baffled by how very obvious steps and weight shifts produce the most unexpected results, and usually with a delay that makes me wonder whether my move was sent to her by mail, and she just opened the envelope... ah, yes ... move my foot to the left... but make sure to shift my weight back and forth a few times and end with both feet firmly on the floor... Then look at him with a smile and say "I am a beginner"... "No kidding! - I think, but I smile back and say - ... oh you are doing just fine" ... and I finish the tanda, unless it's a milonga. I cannot bear to go on for three milongas with a beginner. So I thank her and promise to come back for a tango set... and I do.


The clamper

She's typically an advanced intermediate dancer who has decided to dance with you ... but not really. She could be the "absentee dancer" but she has decided instead to prove to you that you shouldn't have asked her to dance , so she puts her left hand firmly on your biceps in an unmovable "clamp" that prevents you from being in a close embrace and limits your steps to what you can do in an open embrace and a "frozen frame" ... and she invariably turns out to be right... Your dance will be stiff and uninspired, while you are trying to decide whether her "clamp" is temporary, while she's warming up to you... , or whether you'll have to suffer that way through the tanda.

I usually decide not to take a chance and I quit, confirming that I shouldn't have asked her in the first place.


The crazy glue

I should say that the "crazy glue" is easier for me to deal with than most of the other "followers I love to hate", since I feel very comfortable in close embrace and she is typically a good intermediate dancer. The trouble with "crazy glue" is that you cannot pry her open! She is the exact opposite of "the clamper". There is no way to do any open figures, as she stays glued to you for dear life! Oh well.. worse things can happen in life...

Tango and relationships

When I first started dancing tango, one of my first tanguera friends told me that at some point she had decided not to mix tango with dating interests. I found that hard to understand, as of course tango is the dance of seduction and connection. What better introduction could there be to possible dating partners?

I could relate to potential problems with jealousy. My very first experience with learning tango took place several years ago with my (now) ex wife. She simply could not bear to see me dance with other women ... so we stopped dancing. I started again only after re-acquiring single status.

Now I am realizing that it's much more complex than that. I met my present girlfriend at tango at I was confident that we could handle well the jealousy issue. In fact we do. We dance mostly with others and we have had no issues to date w/r to any particular dance partners, but other issues are cropping up and I think we need to adjust our thinking to continue being successful in both the dance and in our relationship. Here are what I consider examples of "dangerous thinking".

1. Ok to dance with others... but "our" dance needs to be "special".

Well... it IS special, but, for a number of reasons, it may not always "feel" special. Maybe the music is not inspiring, or one of us is tired, or some thought crosses our minds and we get momentarily distracted, or I suddenly feel like trying a new step. We agreed to practice at different specific times, but sometimes the brain gets a sudden idea that might never come up again at "practice time". So you go for it. If it works it's cool and wonderful, if not... "you were practicing instead of connecting with me".

It's like sex... sometimes you touch the stars and sometimes it's just good sex. If you always expect to touch the stars and get upset if you don't ... you pretty much guarantee bad sex from then on.

I think one simply needs to relax, enjoy the partner, enjoy the music, enjoy the dance and let the connection happen without evaluation and judgment. That's not a guarantee that it will be always "special" but not doing so is a guarantee that enough fear, apprehension, and distractions will be inserted to make the "special" ever more rare.

2. Are you asking me to dance because you really want to dance with me or because you saw that I haven't been dancing, or because you have just been turned down by someone else?

Trying to second guess the "reason" for asking is a guarantee start to a lousy dance. The point is that YOU, the love partner, are ALWAYS, a special treat to dance with. You need to trust that, no matter what has been happening on the dance floor... who has been dancing with whom and with how many partners. Not trusting that is a form of jealousy, not of a specific person, but of the whole tango scene.

Again, it's OK (and probably a good idea) to reserve some number of dances and, likely, the last tanda, but, beyond that, one needs to simply relax and enjoy being asked whenever it happens. Starting the dance with a bunch of questions, and possibly some suppressed resentment in one's head, is a guarantee to ruin any possibility for that special connection we want.

3. You are saying that you are tired and ready to go home whenever I am ... but we haven't had a good dance yet!

This is really saying: "The dance hasn't been "special" yet, and you don't seem to care!" (or... you don't love me anymore...). This is related to #1 and identifies Tango with a necessary vehicle for expressing love. I guess the problem for me is to be able to switch this feeling "off and on"... and keeping it mostly "off", as expected while dancing with everybody else. So having kept that switch off and feeling now tired, I sometimes "forget" that my partner is expecting me to turn it back on for her before the evening ends. I will usually reserve a last tanda for her, precisely for this reason, but it is possible that sometimes I feel simply ready to leave the scene. For whatever reason, tango, at that particular moment, doesn't seem like a good vehicle for expressing my love. Maybe I'm just tired of the focus that is needed, maybe I am disappointed in myself for a lousy dance, maybe I am tired of being turned down and I just want to go home. Maybe I just want to go out to the car, hold her hand and kiss her in private. Maybe I just want to go home and make love. Sometimes one just says "f**k tango" . .

Tango can certainly be a vehicle for expressing love, but it's OK if sometimes it was just and evening of good exercise. So we walked around the dance floor twenty time rotating here and there, doing ochos, volcadas, colgadas and sacadas... Now it's time to go home. One of my favorite statements about life is "The only way to take life seriously is not to take it too seriously" .... This is true of tango as well.

How do I pick followers?

Lately I have been asking myself why I pick certain followers to dance with. I have noted my evolution from dancing with "whomever would have me"... The height of that time was a list of about 50 women whose names I kept on a spreadsheet, so I could refer back to it and not forget the names. I would also add some special item, such as nationality, physical features etc. to help me remember them.

I stopped keeping the list about a year ago, and I find that I still dance with a third of them at most. This has happened slowly, as I have continued to feel comfortable with some, and have felt progressively more uncomfortable with others. It has been very interesting to note how some seem to keep "matching" my present style and ability, while others feel like followers I am dancing with for the first time, and with whom I have no connection. I try to think back at what made me enjoy dancing with them, but that memory seems to have faded away completely.

Still, I do dance with followers with whom I feel no strong connection or much dancing enjoyment. These are mostly women who I consider to have become "friends" and to whom I feel a sense of gratefulness for accepting me from the very start (also they seem eager and happy to be asked). I find I cannot really express my dance with them, but I focus on the best technique I can muster, and on making them "look good".

The second echelon of followers are the women who have been improving along with me, or were already much better... but always adapted to my dance and seem to always have a good connection with me. These are my "bread and butter" dancers who always guarantee an evening of fun.

The third echelon of followers are my present "challenge". They are the ones who I felt were out of my league either by their "attitude" or obvious experience (teachers, performers, etc.). With these I am having a range of experiences that I am sure I will be sorting out for a while. Some have seemed pleased with my dance, others may have just been polite. At this point I am just making sporadic foirees into this group...
but I am already finding it very interesting...

Just for kicks...

The background: Jenny (not her real name) is one of my favorite teachers - although I haven't taken a class with her for a while - and she is the only teacher who has so far refused to dance with me. A few nights ago my partner and I are dancing in a Milonga. I lead a pivoting turn for her where I take small steps backwards around her axis. My feet suddenly "meet" another pair of feet behind me. I stop and apologize as customary. Jenny and Ted (not his real name) are the dancers I collided with... Nobody seems to be hurt, but Jenny gives me the unmistakable glare of "blame". Later in the evening, as she dishes out pieces of birthday cake she mutters to me that I need to take small steps when I go backwards. I am a bit surprised by her remark in a social setting, but I ignore it, smile, and go off to eat my cake.

A few days later Jenny announces that she plans to start a new Practica on a week night when I know there are already two competing Milongas. I feel compelled to send her an email reminding her of these events and suggesting that perhaps a different night would be better.

Her answer to my email really floors me... She says she is "sorry" but this is the only night available (I can certainly accept that) and in any case it's a practica and (get this) there are dancers out there who go to Milongas "kicking people around" and who should be practicing instead...

This was my answer to her email:

No need to be "sorry" Jenny. I was not asking for a personal favor. I thought I was doing you a favor by letting you know what is going on (from a dancer's perspective). My desire is to support your teaching, your milongas and your practicas ... whenever you choose to have them.

(About your "kicking" remark) having recently "kicked" you (or Ted - I am not sure), I
cannot help thinking that this remark is meant to be personal. So I will need to say a few things.

1. I will grant you that I, as well as many other dancers, beginners and not... can use practice. I assure you that I take that to heart, by continuing to take classes and workshops whenever they fit my schedule. That continues to amount to dancing almost every night for the past two years.

2. I consider your teaching to me to have been very pivotal, and I know full well that you could continue to give me very useful pointers. I have a partner now, and we coordinate our classes, milongas, practicas etc. with our respective schedules. The fact that I have asked you to dance a couple of times, in NO way implies that I consider myself to be anywhere near your level (of course!). I simply wanted to experience what it would be like to actually "dance" with you and see if I might be able to make the dance pleasurable for you, even at my very modest level. The fact that you have obviously deemed it very unlikely is certainly your prerogative, and I respect it. It might be interesting for you to know that some dancers enjoy dancing with me more than dancing with Ted, but that's their prerogative as well (or lack of understanding). Perhaps I just had a hope for a smile and something like "... you improved a lot", but, don't worry, I won't ask you again for a very long time.

3. Speaking of Ted... have you noticed that he leads A LOT with his eyes closed? Watch him at your next opportunity. Dance etiquette (and I know I don't need to tell you this .. but) is that the leaders apologize with each other and each "assumes" the blame. So that's what I did, but I wasn't stepping back into the line of dance, and I was indeed taking very small steps. My partner was pivoting on one foot and I was rotating her around her axis counterclockwise. One cannot take big steps while doing that, and, as a couple, we had stopped our forward movement in the line of dance while she was pivoting. This was all quite ordinary... and Ted led you into me, probably because he had his eyes closed (again, watch him..)

If you want to tell me that you don't like how I dance and that I need a lot more classes, that would be entirely fair, but the "kicking" example is not a good one, I am sorry. Accidents happen, even among the most advanced dancers... and leaders do need to keep their eyes open, as it is their responsibility to keep enough distance from the couple in front.

...

Again, as I told you above, the intent of my email was only to help you make your
event more successful. Given the constraints you mention, I wish you the best of luck.

I hope we are still friends.

A tango hug,

I am still trying to figure out what is going on with Jenny and her reaction to me. I went to her usual Milonga since the email exchange. I toyed with the idea of wearing an orange safety vest while dancing... but decided instead to act as if nothing had happened. She did the same. No, I did not invite her to dance... and whenever she happened to be close by on the dance floor I made sure to put as much distance between us as possible...