... and I keep dancing

Welcome to my Argentine Tango blog! I began this blog about a year after starting to dance Argentine Tango. That year had been both wonderful and frustrating. I started recording my progress and feelings from that point on... and both wonder and frustration have continued, only even more intensely.


Monday, July 20, 2009

From bliss to anger ... and back

Or... why do we do this to ourselves?

For quite some time I have been trying to cope with a feeling I am not proud of, but, if there is one thing life has taught me, is how utterly "ordinary" I am... which means that there is a good chance that these same feelings are out there in lots of tangueros/as.

I am talking about plain old anger. I find that when I go to new milongas where I am unknown to all or most, I get a lot positive attention. Women ask me to dance (and I am not a young hunk..), I see people following me and my partner with their eyes, I get very good feedback from advanced dancers and I have even been asked if I teach. I infer from this that, even though, like most, I could easily move to BA for many more years of useful lessons... I cannot be all that bad at this point.

Yet, in my own dance community, there are still dancers who act as if I had stepped on the dance floor just yesterday. Maybe two years ago I made her trip on a bad sacada, or she didn't feel a good connection, so, in her mind I am still stuck at that level. No more chances ...no sirree.
OK, I understand. Tango is a meritocracy. We all work so hard at achieving that "state of bliss" that it's hard to give up the chance of being asked by the "very best" just for a "friendly" dance.
The prevailing attitude seems to be "why bother if it's not going to be great". Add to that the "fear" of being seen dancing with a mediocre partner... and perhaps give the idea that you have "lowered your standards"...

We are all trapped on both sides of this attitude. At times we feel "victims" of it when we are turned down, and feel angry, only to turn around to do it to others.

I don't presume to suggest a "solution" for all, and certainly not for those who are well beyond any such issues, but here is what I am going to do:
1. I'll get over it. I will still try to say "hi" to the dancers who try so hard to ignore me.
2. I will dance at least with a couple friends at each milonga even thought I haven't enjoyed dancing with them for a while. It won't kill me and it won't ruin my "reputation", and, just possibly, they'll surprise me!
3. I will seek out one new face. One who is sitting in the back of the room looking longingly at the dancers.

Maybe one way to be less angry is to realize that we all need to be less scared.

Or maybe it's just me...

9 comments:

Mari said...

It's not just you - I've heard that a few times and I've only been dancing a few months. For me, of course I always want to dance with those leaders that I've had a great connection with in the past. But already I've had so many experiences where I've had a challenging tanda with a leader the first time (or even the second or third time) and then something just clicks and it's marvelous. I would never have had the opportunity of having that wonderful tanda, if I'd written him off. Maybe it's just that I'm a beginner too - I don't turn anyone down unless I'm literally too tired to dance anymore.

I've also never had a mediocre dance with anyone lol. It may have been challenging, or awkward - but there's always something to learn from. I can't imagine anything mediocre about dancing tango regardless of who I'm dancing with. Again, that may have to do with my inexperience. If it is due to that, I hope I always keep my beginner mind-set.

Frances R said...

I am sorry, I will be blunt. Your own tango community happens to be a high level, perhaps, the best one can encounter outside Buenos Aires. There are lots of really good dancers out there.
I don't know if you have been to BA yet, but I have, and I also have seen you in milongas. And from what I have seen: no, you will not be OK in BA milongas as you are right now.
So, I think, you can either
-stop compairing yourself to mediocre ones. Get real. Work hard and smart on improving your dancing;
or
- stop complaining, be happy with what you got so far, which is, I guess, is not entirely un-enjoyable.
By that, I do not mean to put you down. The advice also applies to myself.
Good luck.

Silvano Colombano said...

Frances:

I can certainly accept your "work hard and smart on improving your dancing" comment". In that context I would appreciate it if you could let me know what would make me "not OK in BA milongas". When did you see me dance? You sound like you don't live in the bay area. Will you please identify yourself the next time you come around, so we can talk... and perhaps even dance?

W/r to "stop complaining" ... that was precisely the idea of my post (#1 conclusion: I'll get over it). Sorry if I sounded like a whiner.

Ana de San Francisco said...

Silvano, having visited BsAs four times for extended trips in the last two years, I have been to MANY BsAs milongas, both International Tango Head and very, very local, very porteno milongas, and I assure you, you will be fine there.

In BsAs, there is a lot more emphasis on connection and musicality... and there you are head and shoulders above so many other leaders.

Frances R said...

Exactly, connection (that includes feet connection with the floor, a good posture, and a comfortable embrace), musicality (not rushing and running after music doing a 100 things a minute, being able to go slow), and, Ana, you forgot to mention the floor craft :) It is an absolute deal breaker for me if I see a leader not respecting the line of dance.

Of course, there are lots of milongas in Buenos Aires. There is Canning, and La Ideal, and then, there is Cachirulo :)

Again, by my comment I did not intend to diss you, Silvano. Of course, Ana is right, there are tons of leaders whose dancing is much worse than yours. But real good followers do not pick best from the worst, so-so, and OK. They choose among the good and the best.

In your post you were wondering why some followers in your community don't want to dance with you. Of course, you can attribute it all to snobbery. Or, you can look around, watch the leaders who regularly dance with people you would like to dance with. Then look at yourself critically. Perhaps you will find out that those ladies have better choices for now, and they can tell the difference.

That said, I have a lot of respect for your efforts to improve your tango. Good luck.

Silvano Colombano said...

Frances:

As you know, your remarks have elicited my curiosity about your own blog. It is really interesting how you made very similar comments. You said in one of your posts: "I repeatedly got upset over a leader or two still not asking me to a dance. Since I believe my skills have been growing, I guess I wish to be rewarded for my hard work. That results in setting up expectations. But it is unreasonable to expect anything. Instead, I should concentrate on the positive, be nice to people, and just keep working and learning." I also ended my post saying: "I'll get over it. I will still try to say "hi" to the dancers who try so hard to ignore me."

So you REALLY understand what I was trying to express. I hope those leaders finally came around for you, but if they didn't, I am sure you have been taking to heart your own recipe for understanding and acceptance.

BTW, I have asked you if you would kindly identify yourself, since you claim to know me. Instead you stated to me that you "don't want to be outed". Not to worry. I will not out you, but I now know who you are ... and I also understand what drove you to react to my post the way you have.

I also have, as you said, "a lot of respect for your efforts to improve your tango". Good luck.

Frances R said...

Silvano, you are absolutely right. Even in my first comment I mentioned that everything I wrote applies as well to myself. I am not sure what you are alluding to, but that was what drove me to comment on your entry: I have been there, and I believe, I learned something. You quote my own entry from a year or so back.
I feel that my comment came across as offensive for you. Too bad. I don't know if you guessed right who I am, nor does it really matter. I give you credit for that.

Igor Polk said...

Silvano, I've seen you dancing, you dance well ! Do not worry, do not forget there are dancers which you will never satisfy no matter how hard you try to impress them. There are some people who do not like dancing even with me ! :))) Usually it means they are not used to enjoy what I enjoy, and they enjoy what I can not provide. Silly them.. :)
You have your group of "partners", and grow it up. Your frustration will go away as easily as it came as soon as you have enough tango friends.
Of course, it is very helpful to find out if you dance "real" tango or not yet. Once you assure yourself in this, like researching tango videos, or taking an advice of an experienced tango specialist ( aka a "teacher" ), self estimation becomes easily highed.

Silvano Colombano said...

Igor, thank you very much for your comments. I will write another blog to address the important points you make.