Commenting on the women I dance with

I just re-read my intro at the top of the page, and I was struck by my statement about commenting on followers and using special names to maintain their privacy.

This idea still applies, but it is interesting that, in time (about two years after starting), I have been finding it less and less compelling to think and comment about particular followers. One reason is probably that I have become much more selective about the women I dance with, so I find very few issues and surprises at this point.

I mostly dance with women I know well, and for different reasons. Some are friends I feel "obligated" to dance with, at least once in while. Some I consider good dancers that allow me to express my style and who seem to really enjoy my dance, and some are still "challenging" in the sense that I am not quite sure where I stand with them.
None of the above includes my partner, of course, with whom dancing is now very special from all points of view.

The point is that a year ago I danced with just about everybody in sight, and everybody, in some way, was a new tango experience I felt compelled to consider. Now instead I know what to expect from everybody I dance with regularly, and "new experiences" are very rare.

So, I almost deleted the comment about using fake names, but then I figured that somebody might read the old blogs, and, who knows, some strange new experiences may still happen...

The wall

It's an odd feeling. I haven't written on this blog for about 4 months now, mostly because I am having a hard time verbalizing how I am feeling about tango right now. Some feelings are very good. Dancing with Zeycan has become very smooth and ever more "showy". We are often told "how good we look together". Our milonga, especially, is fun and complex, with lots of syncopation and traspie, and I keep finding new steps to do. We really get into it and we see people following us with their eyes and a smile on their face. The down side of this is that I find very few dancers who can follow me at that level right now, and Zeycan is equally bored with most leaders when it comes to milonga.

Regular tango is a slighly different story. It also has advanced considerably, but I still find dancers who will turn me down, and I am having a hard time accepting it. I am not sure whether they are watching me and determining that I am not yet at "their level", or they have pegged me at the level I was a year ago, and never give me further consideration. On the other hand I often ask very advanced dancers and teachers who seem reasonably happy with my dance. I assume it will all sort itself out in time, as I keep improving... as I am determined to do.

I also need to accept that I have been developing a definite style, which may not be to everybody's liking. For instance, some followers seem to like a very steady and predictable lead, one that I would consider, well... boring... I tend to get bored with my own lead and keep experimenting and throwing in "surprises". For instance, I will start a typical pattern, only to immediately reverse it and then, maybe, reverse it again.

Some followers tell me that they have a lot of fun dancing with me. Some even laugh often during the dance, seemingly enjoying all the little surprises. But I am sure some probably hate what I am doing. My problem is that I am not yet quite sure enough to know that what I do looks and feels stylish and "right". It's the next wall I need to break through.

The leaders I hate to watch

I am approaching this is in the spirit of fun satire, as many of these leaders are much better dancers than I am, but, hey, it's my blog and my taste. So what if some followers choose them over me!

The zombie

This guy has a frame that looks like welded steel. He ondulates left and right with his arms at a fixed angle and feet going in and out of cross system, and slightly back. I see advanced followers carried along with a look of bliss on their face, so this guy must be doing SOMETHING right. There must be a great deal of comfort in a solid frame. I should learn something from him... but it looks sooo boring to me. Still ... that look of bliss... go figure.


The broom back

Ok, this is really nasty, but the guy looks like he has a broom stuck ... well.. all the way up his... (I'd better stop). He's a bit like the zombie but the solid frame is up his back and slightly bent forward. Again, this position seems to have success with many advanced followers. He tends to move slowly, probably because that broom is very uncomfortable. The follower seems happier than he is. If she only knew...


The wrestler

This guy is the opposite of the above "super frame" leaders. His arms are constantly moving like he's trying to find a way to pin the follower down to the mat. He tends to be shunned by most followers, except for beginners, and women who have been getting really bored and figure that some flexing exercises might be good after all to keep in shape.


The lawn-mower pusher

I couldn't believe my eyes the first time I saw him. He kept his arm at about waist height and literally pushed the follower into a variety of open "embrace" (if you can call it that) figures that showed a good level of experience. Maybe it's tango "hypernuevo", who knows. The followers tend to keep their eyes focused on his belly button area, from where the movement seems to originate, and maintain a vague smile of disbelief throughout the dance...


The tea-pot

This is another seemingly "advanced" technique I can't figure out. This leader keeps his left hand at a funny angle, while holding his and the follower's hand close to the left side of his head. The VERY advanced tea-pot leader will actually touch his own head, and the circle of his arm, with the twisted hand, looks like a tea-pot ... The look is one of intense concentration. It makes me think of tantra exercises where idea is to circulate the "Chi" between the two partners. Hey, maybe that's what's happening! Amazingly the followers seem typically happy, but I wonder how their right wrist feel after the dance

The followers I love to hate

I have been much too serious in my posts lately... so I thought I'd have some fun with the comic side of tango... the followers I love to hate...! Here they are:


The wiggler (a.k.a. the pole dancer)

She simply will not stop moving! I lead a simple back ocho, and I STOP for a second to start a new figure in some dramatic music moment... and she keeps on going like the energizer rabbit (remember that ad?). 2 more back ochos, one front ocho and twirls around me in a molinete... all while I am just standing there with half a smile on my face waiting for her to stop... so I can go on dancing. She finally seems to become aware of my presence, slows down and looks at me, expectant eyes,... oh, there you are .. the "leader"! Didn't you love what I just did? So, what's next?


The refrigerator

She simply will NOT move! I swear it feels like pushing a refrigerator with no wheels across the floor. My back thighs and calf start hurting for the pushing, and my left arm struggles to stay in its socket. Here comes some fast tempo I'd like to play with.. quick quick, slow, quick quick quick... I get slooooow, slooooow... and the musical phrase is over... Oh well, the dance ends and I look for a massage therapist.


The feather

I remember being surprised when I first heard that followers were being instructed to provide some "resistance". Having mainly experienced the "refrigerator" types, I felt like NO resistance should be the ideal... but nooo, tango is so full of surprises. No resistance is bad too! The feather is hard to dance with because you are never sure where she is. If you feel no weight at all you cannot know where her weight is, and even the tiniest error in timing a turn can send her flying off balance. Dancing with the feather is not tiring, but disconcerting and seldom connected. In the end I feel like I have danced with myself ... and I am NOT a good follower!


The purebred

When I first started dancing tango I had a creepy feeling of deja vu, related to my brief experience with horseback riding. I remember how odd it felt that even though you were taught what to do with your legs and arms to get the horse to turn right or left, each horse behaved in a slightly different way. One would turn as expected, another horse would completely ignore your "command", and another one would take off to the right like you had attached a rocket to its side! Not that I would want to compare followers with horses (!), but I could never get over the fact of how similar that dynamics of movement "reading" and reaction really felt...

One of my most interesting experiences in horseback riding was in fact with such a horse. I was in an amateur rodeo where we were assigned horses at random and had to perform some figures like number 8 (ah, ochos!) in the arena. That required a continuous turn to the right, followed by a continuous turn to the left, and so on. Well, MY horse felt my intention to the "right" .... and right he would go, taking off like a bat out of hell all the way to end of the arena, where he would finally slow down, read my "left" intention from my now begging and shaking knees and do another 100 yard dash to the other side of the arena. Needless to say my 8's did not look very good...

So, what does this really have to do with Tango? Well, I find that sometimes I encounter a follower that reminds me of that horse. Mind you, in this case she is the "advanced" one and I am the one who doesn't know what he's doing, but my experience is one of starting a movement that gets read and immediately "amplified" beyond my original intention and which now needs to be dealt with the kind of skill and elegance I sadly still lack. So I struggle along feeling again like I am riding that horse across the arena unable to make the nice number 8...

I don't know what the horse was thinking... but SHE is probably thinking that I need a few more years under my belt to be able to appreciate what she can really do... and she's right. Sigh...


The absentee follower

She is there, but you sense immediately that she's really with her boyfriend walking on a beach, dancing with the other guy across the dance floor, at the table eating the cake or drinking whatever is left of the wine. She is in all kinds of places ... except in your arms. You wish you hadn't asked her to dance, but she's going through the motions, so you do too... and suffer until the end of the tanda.


The beginner

It's harder to have fun with this, as we've all been there, so I'll start with ME... I still remember one of my first milongas when at some point, early in the dance, my follower looked at me with a patient smile and asked: "are you trying to lead back ochos?". Indeed I was ... obviously with very little success! And another one who just froze in front of me and said "I have no idea what you want me to do...". I bless the patience of these and other followers who kept dancing with me and helped me improve. If they are around I still dance with them (and they are much happier now).

But now... just like I baffled followers with an unrecognizable lead, I am baffled by how very obvious steps and weight shifts produce the most unexpected results, and usually with a delay that makes me wonder whether my move was sent to her by mail, and she just opened the envelope... ah, yes ... move my foot to the left... but make sure to shift my weight back and forth a few times and end with both feet firmly on the floor... Then look at him with a smile and say "I am a beginner"... "No kidding! - I think, but I smile back and say - ... oh you are doing just fine" ... and I finish the tanda, unless it's a milonga. I cannot bear to go on for three milongas with a beginner. So I thank her and promise to come back for a tango set... and I do.


The clamper

She's typically an advanced intermediate dancer who has decided to dance with you ... but not really. She could be the "absentee dancer" but she has decided instead to prove to you that you shouldn't have asked her to dance , so she puts her left hand firmly on your biceps in an unmovable "clamp" that prevents you from being in a close embrace and limits your steps to what you can do in an open embrace and a "frozen frame" ... and she invariably turns out to be right... Your dance will be stiff and uninspired, while you are trying to decide whether her "clamp" is temporary, while she's warming up to you... , or whether you'll have to suffer that way through the tanda.

I usually decide not to take a chance and I quit, confirming that I shouldn't have asked her in the first place.


The crazy glue

I should say that the "crazy glue" is easier for me to deal with than most of the other "followers I love to hate", since I feel very comfortable in close embrace and she is typically a good intermediate dancer. The trouble with "crazy glue" is that you cannot pry her open! She is the exact opposite of "the clamper". There is no way to do any open figures, as she stays glued to you for dear life! Oh well.. worse things can happen in life...

Tango and relationships

When I first started dancing tango, one of my first tanguera friends told me that at some point she had decided not to mix tango with dating interests. I found that hard to understand, as of course tango is the dance of seduction and connection. What better introduction could there be to possible dating partners?

I could relate to potential problems with jealousy. My very first experience with learning tango took place several years ago with my (now) ex wife. She simply could not bear to see me dance with other women ... so we stopped dancing. I started again only after re-acquiring single status.

Now I am realizing that it's much more complex than that. I met my present girlfriend at tango at I was confident that we could handle well the jealousy issue. In fact we do. We dance mostly with others and we have had no issues to date w/r to any particular dance partners, but other issues are cropping up and I think we need to adjust our thinking to continue being successful in both the dance and in our relationship. Here are what I consider examples of "dangerous thinking".

1. Ok to dance with others... but "our" dance needs to be "special".

Well... it IS special, but, for a number of reasons, it may not always "feel" special. Maybe the music is not inspiring, or one of us is tired, or some thought crosses our minds and we get momentarily distracted, or I suddenly feel like trying a new step. We agreed to practice at different specific times, but sometimes the brain gets a sudden idea that might never come up again at "practice time". So you go for it. If it works it's cool and wonderful, if not... "you were practicing instead of connecting with me".

It's like sex... sometimes you touch the stars and sometimes it's just good sex. If you always expect to touch the stars and get upset if you don't ... you pretty much guarantee bad sex from then on.

I think one simply needs to relax, enjoy the partner, enjoy the music, enjoy the dance and let the connection happen without evaluation and judgment. That's not a guarantee that it will be always "special" but not doing so is a guarantee that enough fear, apprehension, and distractions will be inserted to make the "special" ever more rare.

2. Are you asking me to dance because you really want to dance with me or because you saw that I haven't been dancing, or because you have just been turned down by someone else?

Trying to second guess the "reason" for asking is a guarantee start to a lousy dance. The point is that YOU, the love partner, are ALWAYS, a special treat to dance with. You need to trust that, no matter what has been happening on the dance floor... who has been dancing with whom and with how many partners. Not trusting that is a form of jealousy, not of a specific person, but of the whole tango scene.

Again, it's OK (and probably a good idea) to reserve some number of dances and, likely, the last tanda, but, beyond that, one needs to simply relax and enjoy being asked whenever it happens. Starting the dance with a bunch of questions, and possibly some suppressed resentment in one's head, is a guarantee to ruin any possibility for that special connection we want.

3. You are saying that you are tired and ready to go home whenever I am ... but we haven't had a good dance yet!

This is really saying: "The dance hasn't been "special" yet, and you don't seem to care!" (or... you don't love me anymore...). This is related to #1 and identifies Tango with a necessary vehicle for expressing love. I guess the problem for me is to be able to switch this feeling "off and on"... and keeping it mostly "off", as expected while dancing with everybody else. So having kept that switch off and feeling now tired, I sometimes "forget" that my partner is expecting me to turn it back on for her before the evening ends. I will usually reserve a last tanda for her, precisely for this reason, but it is possible that sometimes I feel simply ready to leave the scene. For whatever reason, tango, at that particular moment, doesn't seem like a good vehicle for expressing my love. Maybe I'm just tired of the focus that is needed, maybe I am disappointed in myself for a lousy dance, maybe I am tired of being turned down and I just want to go home. Maybe I just want to go out to the car, hold her hand and kiss her in private. Maybe I just want to go home and make love. Sometimes one just says "f**k tango" . .

Tango can certainly be a vehicle for expressing love, but it's OK if sometimes it was just and evening of good exercise. So we walked around the dance floor twenty time rotating here and there, doing ochos, volcadas, colgadas and sacadas... Now it's time to go home. One of my favorite statements about life is "The only way to take life seriously is not to take it too seriously" .... This is true of tango as well.

How do I pick followers?

Lately I have been asking myself why I pick certain followers to dance with. I have noted my evolution from dancing with "whomever would have me"... The height of that time was a list of about 50 women whose names I kept on a spreadsheet, so I could refer back to it and not forget the names. I would also add some special item, such as nationality, physical features etc. to help me remember them.

I stopped keeping the list about a year ago, and I find that I still dance with a third of them at most. This has happened slowly, as I have continued to feel comfortable with some, and have felt progressively more uncomfortable with others. It has been very interesting to note how some seem to keep "matching" my present style and ability, while others feel like followers I am dancing with for the first time, and with whom I have no connection. I try to think back at what made me enjoy dancing with them, but that memory seems to have faded away completely.

Still, I do dance with followers with whom I feel no strong connection or much dancing enjoyment. These are mostly women who I consider to have become "friends" and to whom I feel a sense of gratefulness for accepting me from the very start (also they seem eager and happy to be asked). I find I cannot really express my dance with them, but I focus on the best technique I can muster, and on making them "look good".

The second echelon of followers are the women who have been improving along with me, or were already much better... but always adapted to my dance and seem to always have a good connection with me. These are my "bread and butter" dancers who always guarantee an evening of fun.

The third echelon of followers are my present "challenge". They are the ones who I felt were out of my league either by their "attitude" or obvious experience (teachers, performers, etc.). With these I am having a range of experiences that I am sure I will be sorting out for a while. Some have seemed pleased with my dance, others may have just been polite. At this point I am just making sporadic foirees into this group...
but I am already finding it very interesting...

Just for kicks...

The background: Jenny (not her real name) is one of my favorite teachers - although I haven't taken a class with her for a while - and she is the only teacher who has so far refused to dance with me. A few nights ago my partner and I are dancing in a Milonga. I lead a pivoting turn for her where I take small steps backwards around her axis. My feet suddenly "meet" another pair of feet behind me. I stop and apologize as customary. Jenny and Ted (not his real name) are the dancers I collided with... Nobody seems to be hurt, but Jenny gives me the unmistakable glare of "blame". Later in the evening, as she dishes out pieces of birthday cake she mutters to me that I need to take small steps when I go backwards. I am a bit surprised by her remark in a social setting, but I ignore it, smile, and go off to eat my cake.

A few days later Jenny announces that she plans to start a new Practica on a week night when I know there are already two competing Milongas. I feel compelled to send her an email reminding her of these events and suggesting that perhaps a different night would be better.

Her answer to my email really floors me... She says she is "sorry" but this is the only night available (I can certainly accept that) and in any case it's a practica and (get this) there are dancers out there who go to Milongas "kicking people around" and who should be practicing instead...

This was my answer to her email:

No need to be "sorry" Jenny. I was not asking for a personal favor. I thought I was doing you a favor by letting you know what is going on (from a dancer's perspective). My desire is to support your teaching, your milongas and your practicas ... whenever you choose to have them.

(About your "kicking" remark) having recently "kicked" you (or Ted - I am not sure), I
cannot help thinking that this remark is meant to be personal. So I will need to say a few things.

1. I will grant you that I, as well as many other dancers, beginners and not... can use practice. I assure you that I take that to heart, by continuing to take classes and workshops whenever they fit my schedule. That continues to amount to dancing almost every night for the past two years.

2. I consider your teaching to me to have been very pivotal, and I know full well that you could continue to give me very useful pointers. I have a partner now, and we coordinate our classes, milongas, practicas etc. with our respective schedules. The fact that I have asked you to dance a couple of times, in NO way implies that I consider myself to be anywhere near your level (of course!). I simply wanted to experience what it would be like to actually "dance" with you and see if I might be able to make the dance pleasurable for you, even at my very modest level. The fact that you have obviously deemed it very unlikely is certainly your prerogative, and I respect it. It might be interesting for you to know that some dancers enjoy dancing with me more than dancing with Ted, but that's their prerogative as well (or lack of understanding). Perhaps I just had a hope for a smile and something like "... you improved a lot", but, don't worry, I won't ask you again for a very long time.

3. Speaking of Ted... have you noticed that he leads A LOT with his eyes closed? Watch him at your next opportunity. Dance etiquette (and I know I don't need to tell you this .. but) is that the leaders apologize with each other and each "assumes" the blame. So that's what I did, but I wasn't stepping back into the line of dance, and I was indeed taking very small steps. My partner was pivoting on one foot and I was rotating her around her axis counterclockwise. One cannot take big steps while doing that, and, as a couple, we had stopped our forward movement in the line of dance while she was pivoting. This was all quite ordinary... and Ted led you into me, probably because he had his eyes closed (again, watch him..)

If you want to tell me that you don't like how I dance and that I need a lot more classes, that would be entirely fair, but the "kicking" example is not a good one, I am sorry. Accidents happen, even among the most advanced dancers... and leaders do need to keep their eyes open, as it is their responsibility to keep enough distance from the couple in front.

...

Again, as I told you above, the intent of my email was only to help you make your
event more successful. Given the constraints you mention, I wish you the best of luck.

I hope we are still friends.

A tango hug,

I am still trying to figure out what is going on with Jenny and her reaction to me. I went to her usual Milonga since the email exchange. I toyed with the idea of wearing an orange safety vest while dancing... but decided instead to act as if nothing had happened. She did the same. No, I did not invite her to dance... and whenever she happened to be close by on the dance floor I made sure to put as much distance between us as possible...

2 more teachers... and 1 puzzle.

I've been keeping up the effort of "asking the teachers"... One didn't know me, as I had never been in her classes, so I asked as I would any other dancer. We danced a full tanda and I feel it worked out fine. She commented that "it had been a pleasure", but of course she could just have been polite.

The other teacher I was very familiar with, so I did the usual "one dance" routine as in "I know that you are a teacher and I shouldn't be asking you.... but I would really like to try and dance with you...". To my complete surprise it seemed very hard, almost like I was back to beginner status. She was kind enough to invite me to continue for another dance "unless it's too painful.." -she said- almost blaming herself for our bad connection. Of course I thankfully accepted, remarking that I hoped it wasn't too painful "for her"... and I feel we connected a bit better the second time. Still I was left wondering why it seemed to have worked out so much better with other teachers. I had thought that that magic "connection" becomes less important as people become more advanced and can rely more on technique, but perhaps not. Perhaps, as people develop their own "style" it actually becomes harder if the styles are not compatible.
I continue to ponder that.

Asking for "one" dance

Have danced with three more teachers, one Argentinian guest teacher, and two local ones. Two of the three knew me from their classes and one (local) didn't know me at all.

In all cases the dance seemed to flow very well, but I kept it fairly simple to be on the "safe" side. The general feeling I get is that it's better to keep it simple, but stable and secure, than to try fancy moves that have the possibility of throwing me off my posture and them off their balance. I've also been specifically asking for "one dance". My thinking is that they would be more inclined to say "yes". In two cases they "asked me" for one more... and that felt good.

My partner commented that in line with my "owning the dance" I should just ask them to dance and let them "thank me" if they don't want to finish the tanda. At this point I feel it's really easier on myself to approach them from the point of view of an advanced student who would like to "experience" dancing with them ... than that of a tanguero who is offering them a dance they will enjoy... but that's not "owning the dance" is it? So, she's probably right. I'll get there.

Sticking with the plan...

I finally managed to ask another teacher. I had actually danced with her once before at "her milonga", and she had been more pleasant that time probably because there were so few people on the floor and she was trying to keep it going. The experience that time had been more interesting. I felt like my smallest moves and intentions were being "amplified" beyond what I usually expect. It was nice and gave me an interesting sense of "power". At the same time I definitely felt like I was unable to take full advantage of her ability. This second time I didn't get the same response. Maybe she toned her dance down to my level... or she wasn't really into it.

Regardless, I am feeling good about continuing to do this, even if just once in a while, as it's giving me a different understanding of my dance. I am also getting used again to rejection, since for a while now I had only been dancing with women I knew were happy to dance with me. It seems odd to give up the feeling of being really welcomed in the embrace! But, again... once in a while it's still about learning and pushing the limits.

Out of the comfort zone

I have decided to start violating my self-imposed "don't ask the teachers" rule. I need to feel that my dance has something to offer even the most advanced dancers. I asked "R" Thursday night. I could immediately tell that she accepted without great conviction. I tried to put her teacher "status" out of my mind and proceeded to give it my best. Unfortunately the floor was very crowded and I ended up bumping against one of the veteran Argentine dancers of our community (and her friend). Of course I apologised as one normally does in these circumstances, but she seemed to feel compelled to also add to the apology. That made me feel uncomfortable. She "thanked me" after one dance.
I am still glad I asked her and will continue to ask other teachers. I had vowed to do this at least once every night... but I haven't done it for two nights. I need to get back on the horse.

Owning the dance

I feel like I am at a confused point in my dance. The number of women I really enjoy dancing with has diminished quite a bit. I still dance with some who are mainly friends, but our dance connection is not there anymore. At the same time, "at the opposite end" I still hesitate asking really advanced dancers, especially "the teachers". It's been engrained in me that the teachers are at milongas to dance at their level with their own friends ... certainly not with their beginning students. But I am not a beginner anymore... to the extent that one can stop feeling like a beginner in tango.

I was at a workshop with Luiza Paez last Sunday. She spoke about the quality of the dance and the importance of "owning it". I feel I need to start doing that. I need to accept that some women will not dance with me because they don't like my dance... not because I cannot dance. I need to feel that my dance has something to offer even to "the teachers". My biggest fear is not being rejected, rather being accepted "for dance charity". I have a very long way to go, but I need to start accepting that I can make a good travel companion. I need to own my dance.

The "dark side" of the cabaseo

It would seem that the cabaseo is the easiest way to ask for dancing while avoiding rejection or awkward half-hearted acceptance, but I have been growing increasingly uncomfortable with its effect on my feelings for some dancers I considered to be friends at some point.

The problem is that once a dancer has decided that you are not on their list of favorite partners, s/he will avoid making eye contact with you. That would not be a big deal for a few milongas, but when that lasts for months, one feels "shunned" and non-existent for some portions of the social scene.

I find myself contending with a range of feelings in this regard. For one thing I am not the same dancer I was a few months ago and in some (most) cases I have no idea what "went wrong". I realize that there are a lot of issues related to whether and why one clicks with a partner or not, but I would really love to have the opportunity to try again... at least once in a long while. So I find myself tired of my "non-existence" and increasingly angry at the "shunners". After months of looking their way only to see their gaze averted I have now decided to become the shunner and to make sure they realize I don't have the slightest intention to make eye contact with them. I don't like to play that game, but I am tired of feeling like I am "begging" for a glance and a nod.

I suspect it will all sort itself out with people knowing who their favorite and acceptable partners are. The problem is when one is in "transition" and would like to have an occasional chance to dance with new (or "newly new") more advanced partners... I guess one just needs to go up and ask ... and accept the likely rejection.

Close embrace

There are only a few people at the milonga and almost everybody seems to be advanced. I ask a dancer I have never danced with and we start with the usual close embrace. I start moving very small and very slowly to understand how we can move together and she moves immediately to an open embrace. She senses that I am surprised and unhappy about the change and says "it's good to practice open embrace once in a while". I tell her that it's fine if she wants to stop the dance. She says "no, it's fine" and that she might feel comfortable enough for close embrace later on.

In the past I have always accepted this situation, but something rebels in me this time. I feel that I am being told that I am not good enough to dance with her, even before getting started, and by going to the open embrace I feel limited in what I can do with my dance. "You are not good enough for me and I am going to make it even harder for you to prove me wrong" this is what I am hearing today, and I feel I can't keep dancing. At the end of the dance I thank her and leave without ending the tanda.

I have been working too hard at tango to feel that I cannot give it my best. This is particularly true when leaders are always put in a position to "prove themselves". Maybe I was wrong in leaving the dance, but I needed to make that statement, at least to myself.